Things BIG men don't understand

The life vest

On the BIG man it's more like a bib than a vest.  I guess if there was an emergency at least my head would be safe?  The length never extends past the rib cage. Sometimes I think it should be referred to as the "That flotation device smaller people created so they could laugh at the BIG man because it's actually a secret muffin top maker."  These stupid things ought to come with a rip chord that activates a butter dispenser.  The life vest to the BIG man is the anti Spanx, instead of hiding everything it accentuates it.