How to show you care

andrewsandrews How hard is that pill to swallow?

But it is true. Love. Grace. Kindness. Gentleness. Peace. Patience. Self control. All are merely nice thoughts unless they are acted on. You can promise someone you love them but if your actions don’t show love then they don’t care about the feelings of love you have.

The worst part about non act-ors is they blame the other person for not receiving their feelings as real or valid. Which, is an unfair transfer of ownership between two people. I’m not able to own your feelings anymore than I am able to own your thoughts. As much as faith without deeds is dead so is most feelings without action.

Today, choose to act instead of trying to reassure people with how you feel.

What leaders can learn from the donut

Have you ever heard of the law diminishing returns? Let's go to the Wikipedia

Do you need an example?  Let's go to my good friend Jim Rome (we're not real friends but I love his radio show).

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Jim says that the ultimate proof of the law of diminishing returns is the donut.  The first one is amazing.  The second one is still kinda good.  The third one you regret eating.

Perfect example of the law of diminishing returns.

A few years ago I decided that I was no longer going to take a loan on anything that has diminishing value; especially cars!  Unfortunately, leaders make this mistake ALL THE TIME.  I don't mean with cars though, I mean with people.  Proverbs 22:7 reminds us that, "The borrower is slave to the lender."

Here are common thoughts leaders have that are emotional loans with people:

1.  This person will solve my problem.

2.  This person will never walk away.

3.  This person will take gentle care of me.

4.  This person has my best interest at heart.

5.  This person will protect me from harm.

I recently had a person enter into a situation that really needed help and work.  The moon was offered.  Money, time, energy, and community work was promised.  My mistake was thinking, "THIS PERSON is going to fix THIS PROBLEM."  Then reality set in, and what really happened is that I had made myself a slave to the lender.  Volunteers, especially, will always look at a job from the outside and say, "I can do that."  After time they realize that far more is involved than what they thought and things start to diminish, both the work that needed to be done and the relationship.

How do you recognize diminishing return people?  Here are some things to listen for:

1.  They really enjoy saying, "I."  You will probably here that word more than any other word.  "We" is a seldom used word.

2.  They promise what they have to offer will solve your problem

3.  Their arrogance will reach across the table like a third arm and slap you, call you names, and insult your mother.

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4.  When something they committed to doing stalls, they will blame you.

5.  When they call and you see their name in the caller ID your stomach slaps, calls you names, and insults your mother.

6.  You start to realize their circle of influence is much smaller than they say.

As a leader you can not allow yourself to become slave to the lender.  If you go, everyone else follows you.  You can't afford to take emotional loans on relationships that will lead to the law of diminishing returns.

What other traits have you experienced in relationships where the law of diminishing returns plays out?




Coaching Essential #4: Culture is critical

Before we move ahead let's stop and review the previous coaching essentials: 1.  Do you ruthlessly believe in people and what they are capable of?

2.  Are you coaching the fundamentals everyday that includes observation and feedback?

3.  Are you scripting your time with people?  Remember, failing to plan is planning to fail.

The fourth essential in coaching is that developing a culture in a community is as important as the effort to move knowledge from your head to someone else's.

What do you see in this video:

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Pete Carroll, at this time was the head coach of the USC Trojans.  The Trojans were one of the most competitive football teams in America while Carroll was coaching there.  When I watch Pete Carroll I see an infectious leader who knew how to develop a culture.

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I think there are some keys to developing a culture that leads to success:

1.  Consistant time together. The most critical piece to developing a culture within a community is quality time together.  A culture is developed in training, practice, having fun, meetings, praying together, dreaming together, and investing in one another.

2.  Is the vision clear?  Is the vision everywhere?  Is the vision in your words?  Is the vision in your writing?  Is the vision in your coaching?  Is the vision in your prayers?  Is the vision in the prayers of your people!?  Andy Stanley says the clearest way to know if your people are catching the vision is if you listen to them pray and they are  praying for that vision.

3.  Catch people living the vision and celebrate it.  Do you know what defines a culture founded on fear verses a culture founded on success?  The answer is the leader.  A leader who always catches people doing things wrong will set up their people to fail in the greatest time of need because of their fear of failure.  They Choke.  However, a leader that catches people doing things right is a permission giver to people to creatively excel in the greatest time of need without thinking, "What will he/she do if I fail?"

4.  Focus on the V.T.P's.  Gordan MacDonald talks about three types of people in your life, one of them being Very Trainable People.  The opposite of V.T.P's are V.D.P.'s, or Very Draining People.  The mistake some leaders make is they spend 80% of their time on V.D.P.'s instead of spending 80% of their time with V.T.P's.

Culture is a critical piece of our success as teams.  Ultimately, this requires a great deal of emotional intelligence.  If you just read this and disagreed with almost all of it, you need someone on your team who can do this for you.  Chances are people don't enjoy being on your team.